I’m not talking about your TikTok filter, I am talking about the filter you wear as your worldview in life. Your filter impacts how you see the world and interact in relationships. A filter is a layer of thoughts, beliefs, and interpretations that we see through in our present-day relationships. We have all sorts of filters for a variety of situations.
Everyone has a filter they see things through and sometimes, often, it is outdated.
Our filters are created during childhood relationships with our parents or caregivers. Based on what that relationship looked like for you, your filter could have the lens that people are safe or people are unsafe. As humans, we are always scanning for safety and striving for connection. We learn easily, and without much conscious effort, what is safe and unsafe. Let’s compare two opposing filters:
Fostering Safety
Your parents or caregivers were attuned to your needs most of the time. You mattered and your needs/wants were met. A simple example of this is when you fell and scraped your knee as a kid. You go to your parent for support and they hug you, take care of you with a bandaid, or sit with you and allow your sadness.
Your takeaway – I matter. I was hurt, I went to them and they helped me. It is safe to go to others when I need help. A filter is formed.
OR
Unsafe Connections
Your parents had their struggles and your needs were not always met. Your emotions were not heard, validated, or co-regulated. With the same simple example, you go to your parent crying with a scraped knee and your parent responds with shaming, “Why were you running when you shouldn’t have been” or, “Oh, stop crying, it’s not even bleeding.”
*This does not mean your parents are bad people. They might not have intended for you to feel that way.
Your takeaway – I am bad. I always do things I shouldn’t do. This wasn’t a big deal and I made it one, I am too sensitive. It is unsafe to go to others when I need help. A filter is formed.
The outdated filter shows up in present-day without you even knowing it. Now let’s look at two scenarios where your longer-formed filters might affect your behavior.
Safe to Allow Support
At work, you are not picked for the job promotion. You have worked so hard for this and they picked someone else. You are crushed.
If you had past experiences of people showing up to support you, you would go home and tell your partner about your hurt and disappointment. You will allow them to be there to comfort you. They reassure you that you did your best and remind you, that you have so much to offer.
OR
Not Safe to Allow Support
If you have a history of not being supported or understood by others, you might go home angry, open a bottle of wine, and numb out as you cook dinner. You might think, what’s the point in dwelling on my rejection at work? I need to work harder, I must not have done all I could do. I am not good enough. Through this filter, you can internalize the situation, and when your partner asks you about it, you are short and closed off in your response, “I didn’t get the promotion, and I don’t want to talk about it.” You don’t even consider allowing connection and co-regulation because people aren’t safe. In the past, it wasn’t safe to go to others for comfort or validation, so you don’t even think about it.
Our filters can determine how we self-soothe, and where we turn for comfort and connection. If your filter has the belief that people are unsafe, you can recreate that dynamic in your relationships when you turn away from connection and vulnerability.
Your filter will remain that way until you do the work to update it. Updating your filters requires processing and healing for change. Seeing a therapist will help you process the internalized feelings, beliefs, and emotions. In a safe, secure relationship with your therapist, these patterns will emerge and you will begin to work on updating them. Once your filters have been updated, you can show up in relationships as connected, authentic, and aligned with who you are.
So many people don’t even know they have a filter. What are your filters? Are they up-to-date? Do they align with the person you want to be in relationships? If it’s time for some updating, reach out to talk.
Disclaimer: Understanding your filter is not a reason to blame or hold grudges against those who raised us, it is to heal what simply was and make changes in ourselves. All childhoods create filters, no matter the circumstances.
